I got fired

So, I got fired today. I was out for a few weeks due to medical reasons, mostly severe depression and anxiety caused by not having the right medications. I got an accommodation for the first week but my boss was unable to give me one for the second. I appreciate his efforts though. I am not sure how I am feeling about this whole being fired/jobless thing. It's only been a few hours and I feel lost in the world. How am I going to make my car payment? I am filing for unemployment but who knows how long that takes. I know I have a family who will support me and help me through this until I get back on my feet which I am extremely grateful for but I am still a little afraid. I was nervous having the money to pay bills, and now that I have bills and no income I am not sure what I am going to do! It's back in the world of fighting to find a job that pays enough to pay the bills. Even when I had my job I was always looking for work just in case this might happen. Well, it happened and here I am jobless without a clue. I know this is something that happens to so many people but it's just the first time it's happened to me and I am not sure how to react. I am trying to stay positive because maybe this could mean a new chapter in my life, a new job that's even better. I honestly just want to be happy and pay the bills.

Another 6:30 am

As I lay here trying so hard to find sleep and searching in all the wrong places, I sometimes feel like it's only me who has this issue. It's obvious that millions of people suffer from insomnia but mine feels like it's different, more severe. I try so hard to focus on nothing and stare at the blackness of my eyelids but thoughts just keep rolling in one after another. It's especially bad when I know I have to get up early for reasons only God himself knows. Sometimes I ask myself why do I care so much about these things to keep myself awake lying in the same spot for 6 hours? I even got to counting sheep which has never worked for me. Melotonin helps sometimes when I am having a good day. I can't stress enough how hard it is on my mind and body to not be able to find sleep when it's all I want. I want peace in my brain for just once. A day where I don't think of anything negative and sad, or overthink all the good things in my life and all the possible reasons they could go bad. 

Rachael and Jamie

So my beautiful cousin Rachael's wedding was in the beginning of January. It was the type of wedding every young girl dreams about when they are a kid, the cold being the only negative thing about the entire day. They held it at the Priory in Pittsburgh which is an absolutely beautiful place to say the least. There was a court yard that made me feel like I was transported from the hotel to a place I only imagine in fairy-tales. Rachael looked so beautiful. Her dress was basically perfect. It was as white as the snow outside and covered with sparkles and a bunch of other glittery things. (Which is a love of hers) She even wore the headdress that is worn by the eleven queen in Lord of the Rings. Being the nerd that I am I was of course obsessed with it.

Andrew Rush Photography. 09 Jan 2015. www.andrewrushweddings.com

I had to wear a dress, (blah) but I did actually feel kind of like a princess, and it was purple which is my favorite color so I was okay with it. I got my nails done for the very first time! Yes, I know it's kind of crazy for a 23 year old girl in 2015 to have never gotten her nails done before. I just never thought it was important but it's crazy what a difference it makes! I noticed myself always looking at my fingernails, and placing my hands everywhere so that whoever I was talking to could see them. I got a gel manicure so it only lasted a few weeks but it was worth it to me. I may actually do it again, on my own accord.

The ceremony was so sweet. They had this cute little idea to give everyone bells and have them ring the bell, every time the bell was rung the couple had to kiss. They also did this ancient sand ceremony where everyone in their family poured their own portion of sand into one sand jar. It was a symbolism of union and how they are all together as a family now. :) If you know me you would know that I am sometimes a pretty shy person. I don't like doing anything where the attention has to be on me at any point. Well because I was a bridesmaid I had to walk down the aisle. I fretted over it all day long, walking around the guest house with my heels on trying to teach myself how to not fall on my face. It finally gets to the portion where each person of the bridal party has to walk down the aisle, meeting again at the front of the stage. So there I was, I gathered the courage and started to walk and as soon as I turn towards the photographers I slip halfway out of my shoe. The music is playing and all eyes are on me, my face must have been bright red. I completed my clumsy walk, without smiling at the cameras, trying not to cry. At the end, I guess it didn't mess up too bad because the wedding went on without any mention of my accident and it went on flawlessly at that. By the end of the ceremony I didn't feel like I had feet anymore. So the obvious next plan of action was to head to the open bar. I ordered my favorite drink (Sex on the Beach) and my boyfriend drank his Jack and Cokes.

As I mentioned earlier I am pretty shy so once I found out I had to dance I was terrified. After I got a few drinks in me I ended up just fine after all. Tighlor (boyfriend) not being too happy with the fact that I had to dance with the best man, a man that wasn't him. My aunt's British friend kept dragging me and basically everyone else in my family on to the dance floor to flinging us around like rag dolls. It was honestly a lot of fun. I booked a room and we went to bed, woke up, and went to breakfast. It was definitely the best time I've had in awhile. It made me realize that happiness can be found and it is free, you just have to make the best out of every situation. Not every day is a wedding, but there's always something you can do to make it feel like it is.

My very very first post.

Hi! Welcome to my page or however you prefer to categorize it. If I wanted to be more specific I would personally call it a small collection of half of my life. I've had some many blogs in my past, probably since I was about 13 but I never really kept up with them. This page is an effort to actually keep a blog and update it steadily. I feel like it would be a great idea specifically at this particular time in my life because I have so many thoughts running through my head all day and all night! I had a notion last night, while I tossed and turned and (and stressed) about things no one else in the world probably even thinks twice about, that it would feel great to get them all out of my head. Maybe this will give me some breathing room to think about other things and focus on the ever evolving responsibilities of a 23 year old. Maybe once I get my thoughts down then I can meet some people who might even feel the same way I do. I thought, why not, the life of a 23 year old depressed, self conscious, customer service rep from Pittsburgh, PA might be interesting to some people. I always wanted to write. It's another one of those things I wish I would have went to school for instead of what I actually went for.